Low self-esteem could be described as the bane of modern society. We all want to feel good about ourselves but how are we supposed to measure up to the glamorous images we see all over TV and Social Media?
On this page we’ll look at some of the possible causes of low self-esteem and, more importantly, what you can do about it.
Plus, there’s a free self esteem questionnaire to help you get an accurate picture of how much (or little) you value yourself at the moment. Rest assured, things can and will change with the right help and effort.
Let’s find out how…
- What causes low self-esteem?
- 2 types of self-esteem
- Can bad memories be changed?
- Low self-esteem as a result of life’s setbacks
- The problem with black and white thinking
- Can the use of affirmations boost self-worth?
- Dealing with ‘shadow’ material
- The danger of high self-esteem
- Self-esteem and emotional needs
- The self-esteem scale – how to get an accurate measure of your self-worth
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What causes low self-esteem?
Let’s start off by exploring the possible causes of your low self-esteem. The feeling of being ‘rubbish’ or ‘not good enough’ probably has its origins way back in your history.
As a kid, perhaps you were told that you were useless, pathetic, bad, unwanted or stupid. Perhaps you simply weren’t given the right emotional support or there was a lack of affection from your parents.
It’s those awkward, emotional situations – and disconnection with parents – that result in a confusion-type trance. Any words said (or deeds done) to you stick like glue in that trance state.
With repetition those messages embed themselves into your unconscious mind, shaping your identity. A self-fulfilling prophecy takes hold as you unconsciously seek evidence to support those words and beliefs about yourself. You end up experiencing more things that prove the words are right.
But here’s the thing…
The words and beliefs are faulty. They say nothing about who you truly are as a human being.
2 types of self-esteem
Self-esteem comes primarily from two main sources…
- Innate self-esteem
- Learned self-esteem
Let’s look at these in more detail…
Innate self esteem comes from the quality of the relationships we have with our care-givers (usually mum and/or dad). If they are loving, nurturing, attentive to our emotional needs, supportive, and provide the right type of help and guidance – especially during difficult times – we learn that we are worthy of receiving attention, that we matter.
Learned self-esteem comes from our achievements such as doing well in school projects, passing exams, doing well in sports and the like. These accomplishments give us a quick boost of self-worth and serve as a reminder that we actually can succeed.
However, if that innate form of self-esteem is missing – usually caused by deficiencies in your upbringing – the boost from your achievements may well be short-lived. You start questioning your accomplishments and dismiss compliments, saying things like, “Yeah, anyone could have done that,” or, “I guess I got lucky.”
So, how do we go about addressing this?
Can bad memories be changed?
One of the main reasons I use hypnosis is that it makes changing stuck beliefs a lot easier. See, many of those beliefs were given to you (or forced on you) by others. They don’t really even belong to you.
But it’s not just beliefs that can be changed with hypnosis…
Memories of abuse, embarrassment, humiliation, indeed, any negative memory can be changed in hypnosis because memories are not set in stone…
Sure, you can’t change what happened back then but you can change the emotional impact those memories had on you.
In other words, in hypnosis you can change the way your brain processed (and still processes) old negative memories. Instead of the limbic system holding sway, the more rational, higher-cortex can take over, laying the ghosts to rest.
RELATED CONTENT: Find out how hypnotherapy helps with trauma and PTSD
Low self-esteem as a result of life’s setbacks
Let’s ask this question…
What if you had a perfectly normal childhood without any form of abuse or neglect and you achieved things in school but still suffer from low self-esteem today in your adult life? What might be causing it?
If this is the case, your self-esteem may have been affected in response to a temporary setback in life.
You may have been made redundant, have financial difficulties or relationship problems, for instance.
The thing is that we all sometimes over-react to life’s setbacks such as losing a job or being left by a partner.
Once again, just like in childhood, strong emotions reduce us to black and white/all-or-nothing thinking and meaning-making.
Emotions hypnotise us and this affects our ability to perceive reality accurately. In an emotional trance state we can end up ruminating for hours/days/weeks on end whenever something goes ‘wrong’ in our life. And this rumination can all too easily result in the trance of depression.
The problem with black and white thinking
Black and white thinking is driven by the emotional or ‘survival’ brain. It assumes that just because one thing went wrong, everything is now hopeless…
If you have a ‘bad day’ your whole week is a disaster…If you ‘fail’ at something it means you’re no good at anything…and if your lover walks out the door you’ll never fall in love again.
See how limiting this is? And at the same time, how global? One thing becomes everything. That’s how the emotional or ‘survival’ brain operates.
Of course, in the right context it could save your life. You need the immediate response of the survival brain if a mad axe man is running towards you – not the reasoning faculties of your higher cortex. To hesitate and ponder could mean death.
But the trouble is that once you’re in that black and white/survival mode, your perception of reality – and of yourself – is distorted. You perceive through an emotional filter, losing sight of who you really are, writing yourself off as a hopeless failure.
RELATED CONTENT: How to calm the emotions and escape black and white thinking
Can the use of affirmations boost self-worth?
For the last several decades self-help gurus have promoted the use of positive affirmations to help boost our self-worth. The idea is that you feed your brain positive words and phrases in an attempt to counteract the negative feelings and beliefs you have about yourself.
You stand in front of a mirror each morning, stating things like, “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better,” or trying to convince yourself that you really are beautiful, lovely, kind, caring…good enough etc etc.
The problem is, if you’re not really feeling it, those words won’t make a jot of difference.
If you’re locked in an emotional trance of self-loathing, no amount of positive thinking or affirmations will change things. This is because the emotional brain hijacks your higher reasoning capacities.
You know this already…
Try giving a compliment to someone with a low opinion of themselves. The words bounce straight off (or are rejected) because they don’t match the person’s model of reality. And that’s the real problem with affirmations; they don’t resonate with you because the positive words are not how you truly feel.
RELATED CONTENT: Why you can’t just think yourself better: the problem with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Dealing with ‘shadow’ material
Sometimes you’ve just got to do the real work and face those dark places in the recesses of your mind. Putting a plaster on an abscess won’t do the trick. If you’ve read all the self help books and recited affirmations until the words are coming out of you ears – and your self esteem is still low – it might well be time to venture into the labyrinth of your unconscious and face your own minotaur.
If your low self-worth has its roots in the past rest assured; things can change.
A good therapist can gently guide you to what you need to face, do what you need to do, and then guide you back into the world…changed in some way.
Inner child healing is a process where we safely explore – and put right – the wrongs in our formative years. And when this healing takes place your relationship with yourself begins to improve…
Self compassion replaces self criticism. Self respect replaces self harm. You become friends with yourself…at last.
RELATED CONTENT: How to heal your inner child and feel better today as an adult
The danger of high self-esteem
You might think that the solution to having a low opinion of yourself is to start esteeming yourself highly. But very high self-esteem is not the opposite of low self-esteem and is not something you should be aiming for at all.
As certain wise and knowledgeable people have pointed out for millennia, esteeming the self is damaging…
People with a very high opinion of themselves tend to be selfish, greedy, arrogant and take little account of other people’s feelings and opinions. They are egocentric and even narcissistic, as if the world revolves around them. (We all know people like this!)
The problem is that over the last couple of decades self-esteem has become a buzzword with psychologists and self-help gurus. These so-called experts tell us that we must esteem ourselves highly if we want good mental and emotional health.
However, a focus on oneself leads us back to being egocentric. We become navel-gazers, locked within our own worlds, analysing our every emotion, thought and behaviour.
Self-esteem and emotional needs
The fact of the matter is that positive feelings about yourself will emerge naturally when you engage with life in meaningful ways…
When you learn new skills and develop new competencies, feel emotionally connected to other people and feel that your life has a purpose, you start meeting vital emotional needs.
RELATED CONTENT: How to meet your emotional and spiritual needs and raise self-esteem naturally
You feel better about yourself when you engage in activities that truly give you a sense of value and meaning and when you help and serve others.
It might sound counter-intuitive but the best way to feel better about yourself is to totally forget about yourself.
In other words, the more you focus outwards, away from yourself – engaged in positive behaviours and healthy relationships – the better you will feel about yourself.
This is one of the ways that nature therapy or forest bathing helps. Out in nature, with your attention directed away from yourself, you gain some freedom from the inner turmoil. The less you feed those demons, the more likely they are to wither away in time.
The self-esteem scale – how to get an accurate measure of your self-worth
The better your emotional needs are met (and if you are free from trauma and negative conditioning) the more likely you’ll feel good about who you are.
The key thing to understand is that when emotional needs are met your self-esteem naturally rises and if needs are not met, esteem is vulnerable to falling. Simple.
So, how’s your self-esteem at the moment? Is there an accurate way of measuring your current level of self-worth?
The self-esteem scale is a quick questionnaire that will help you accurately assess your current level of self-esteem. The results will reflect how you generally feel about yourself at the moment.
This is probably best done when you’re feeling calm enough so that you’re free from the distortions of the emotional brain.
Download the self-esteem scale now and get an accurate picture of your self-worth
Remember, self-esteem is changeable so even if you score low on the questionnaire there’s plenty you can do to help yourself…
If you would like some professional help just get in touch. Remember, I offer all new clients a free, no-obligation 20 minute consultation.
Or if you want to start boosting your self-esteem straight away check out these hypnosis downloads or the online course: 10 Steps to Solid Self-Esteem…
