How to Survive a Narcissist and Save Your Own Sanity

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Do you feel manipulated and controlled by them? Is your self-esteem continually being undermined?

On this page we’ll explore the characteristics and psychological tactics used by narcissists. Then we’ll look at the many ways you can deal better with their mind games or find the courage to walk away in order to save your own sanity.

Just to note: Many of the tips you’ll read in this article come directly from clients who have first-hand experience of the damaging effects of narcissistic partners or parents – and how they survived. I’ve changed their names to protect their identity.

Myself and my clients hope that you find this information helpful and healing.

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What is a narcissist?

Before we get to exploring the ways you can deal better with a narcissistic person in your life, let’s start by defining exactly what we mean by the word ‘narcissist’…

According to the Oxford dictionary a narcissist is….

“A person who has a condition in which they are only interested in themselves and what they want, and have a strong need to be admired and a lack of understanding of other people’s feelings.” (1)

Other definitions say that a narcissist is, “A person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish,” (2) or that their main focus is on, “self-love; interest (often excessive) in one’s own appearance, importance, and abilities.” (3)

In psychoanalytical terms (according to the teachings of Sigmund Freud and later neo-Freudians) a narcissist is stuck at (or has regressed to) the first stage of libidinal (sexual) development in which his or her self is the object of erotic pleasure.

Of course, if we want to go all the way back we find that it was the ancient Greeks who created the myth of Narcissus, the beautiful youth who fell in love with his own reflection, as depicted in the picture above.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissism (in its more extreme forms) is now recognised as a mental health condition – Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

This disorder was first recognised in the 1950s by the psychoanalytical society who explained that a central feature of NPD is grandiosity which serves as a defense against feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

In other words, narcissists project an inflated sense of self to mask their underlying vulnerabilities. (4)

Where do those ‘underlying vulnerabilities’ come from? Probably a difficult childhood which may have involved trauma, abuse, neglect, and simply bad parenting (where parents themselves could have been narcissists).

A child who lives in such a ‘toxic’ environment is likely to develop certain traits in order to cope. In time, these traits shape the whole personality.

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How To Deal With Narcissists

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How do you spot a narcissist? The typical signs to look for

Below are the typical traits of narcissists. How many of them do you recognise in your partner, parents or so-called friends?

• A huge sense of self-importance. They may fantasise about unlimited success and crave and even demand attention, recognition and admiration: they are the centre of the universe
• More entitled than other people. They often act selfishly to gain success and are unwilling and unable to acknowledge the feelings or needs of others.
• Highly sensitive to criticism or negative comments made about them. This can result in massive anger outbursts or sulking that goes on for days or even weeks.
• Lack of boundaries. Narcissists can’t accurately see where they end and you begin. They lack maturity and believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do.
• Very black and white personality, split into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ parts. This is a clear sign that the emotional brain runs the show, limiting the ability of the narcissist to see things from a different perspective.
• Shocked and highly insulted to be told ‘no’. If a narcissist wants something from you, they’ll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through persistence, pouting, cajoling, demanding, or rejecting.
• The need to be in control. A narcissist will literally do and say anything to retain their position of authority. This is where things can become extremely dangerous. Remember, they have no boundaries. There is no limit to what they might say and do.
• Lack of responsibility. Although narcissists like to be in control, they never want to be responsible for what happens unless everything goes exactly their way. If something negative happens they always blame someone else.
• Inability to see other people’s points of view or empathise. Narcissists are locked into their own model of reality (which could be described as a narcissistic trance state, a fixed way of looking at the world.)

Narcissism and Social Media

That latter characteristic – not being able to see things from others’ points of view – is one of the reasons many psychologists believe Social Media is fuelling an increase in narcissism. (5)

We’re becoming ever more self-focused, locked into our own model of reality. You’ve only got to look at the profiles of people on Facebook and Instagram to see how many selfie’s are on there.

“Look at me”, seems to be the battle cry. “Give me attention!”

Of course, receiving attention is one of our normal emotional needs. But it’s when the need borders on obsession that we begin to slip into the narcissistic mindset. We become the centre of of our own universe – and want others to revolve their lives around us!

Narcissistic parents: case study #1 – Evelyn’s story

So, let’s explore this in more detail with two case studies from my own work. The first story is from Evelyn (not her real name).

Evelyn first came to me for therapy back in 2016. She told me much about her diagnoses that she’d received over the years: Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychosis, and Clinical Depression. She often reported feeling suicidal because, for her, life was pointless.

It was quite clear in our early sessions that Evelyn wasn’t present in the room with me. As she called it, she lived in ‘Limbo Land‘, something that psychiatrists might refer to as ‘dissociation’ and ‘depersonalization’. All I could do in the first months of our work was to try to stay with her, to create a safe enough space to listen to her story.

It soon emerged that at the heart of all these diagnoses was a toxic relationship with her mother – whom she referred to as The Red Queen (a character from Lewis Carroll’s novel, Through the Looking Glass). Evelyn stated herself that her mother was a narcissist. The whole world revolved around her needs.

This meant that when growing up Evelyn’s needs were never met. Perhaps even worse, she felt unheard, invalidated, even invisible. With mother lost in narcissistic fantasies and grandiosity, Evelyn escaped into her own fantasies in order to cope. The problem was, after years of living in the relative safety of Limbo Land, how was I to bring her back to the real world?

Evelyn’s therapy sessions

It took the best part of two years of therapy for me to see the first glimpses of the real Evelyn. She started to connect more with me instead of slinking off into fantasy. The therapeutic relationship itself served as a blueprint. If she could speak openly – and remain present – with me, she could do it with others.

By coming back to the real world we were able to create better ways of dealing with her mother’s narcissism (rather than running away into fantasy).

Through the use of hypnotherapeutic techniques we harnessed her resources (such as her creative skills and love of art, music, story, and healing poetry) so much so that soon afterwards she was able to speak with her mother more assertively, no longer trapped in the mindset of a little girl.

And with her emotional needs met better, the whole relationship dynamic changed. What began with a hatred for her mother (“I wish she were dead!”) gradually segued into pity and sympathy for a ‘sad, old lady’. She dropped ‘The Red Queen’ title. She simply became, perhaps for the first time proper, “My mother.”

Narcissistic partner: Case study #2 – Michael’s story

Michael first visited me filled with anger and a feeling of injustice at the loss of his adult children. His ex partner had ‘poisoned’ them against him and they now wanted nothing to do with him despite his protestations of innocence. Indeed, Michael had done nothing wrong.

But in the eyes of his ex, Michael was the devil incarnate. He was blamed for everything. Nothing he did was right or ‘good enough’. He felt used and emotionally abused. This undoubtedly led to feelings of low self-worth and ultimately depression.

Indeed, in the early months of our work together Michael often reported feeling suicidal. Even though the relationship had ended a decade ago, Michael was still haunted by it all. He very rarely heard from his son and had had no contact at all with his daughter for years.

Michael’s therapy sessions

For at least the first 10 sessions of therapy, Michael’s focus was on his ex. He seemed to need to tell the story (repeatedly) and share his despair at the injustice of losing his kids. As therapy progressed, it became more obvious to him that his ex was a narcissist. Her undermining of him kept her on top and in control. Her constant gaslighting chipped away at his already low self-esteem.

To save his sanity he knew he had to escape. Thus he’d walked away from the relationship – and his kids. My job was to guide him through this ‘dark night of the soul’ and help him find a reason to live.

As it transpired, Michael had been an excellent social worker in the past. We started accessing memories of wellbeing and resourcefulness and soon he could see a way out of the ‘long dark tunnel’. Indeed, his depression started to lift when he used his resources better to get on with his life now, rather than dwelling on the injustices of the past.

I remember telling him, “You don’t need to understand the whys and wherefores of your ex; she was a narcissist. That explains everything.” From that moment on, he spoke far less (if at all) about his ex and more about his present (and future) plans. Life had a purpose again.

How to survive a narcissist – 5 tips to get you through (or out of) a narcissistic relationship

Those two case studies show that it is possible to survive the clutches of narcissism, no matter how long the abuse has been going on. And it is abuse, for sure. Michael referred to it as ‘domestic abuse’.

The fact is that someone with NPD will never change. It’s no use hoping that they will. I’ve never treated a narcissist in therapy because they simply don’t go to therapy; they don’t think anything’s wrong with them.

They might appear kind, even very loving towards you for a while (especially at the start of a relationship). But before long their true colours show through.

So, how to cope and what to do if you’re stuck in a narcissistic relationship?

The following tips come from my clients I’ve helped over the years and from professional psychological research. I hope you find them useful…

Tip #1 – Get professional help

It’s hard to deal with a narcissist alone. Michael tried it for years and it nearly drove him to suicide before my intervention. Evelyn spent most of her adult life needing support from mental health services.

Thus, to save your sanity take the brave step and reach out for help. Email me here or consider booking a Free Online Discovery Session with me (or find a competent therapist or counsellor in your area).

Tip #2 – If you’ve suffered abuse, report it

Don’t think that things will change. They won’t! A narcissist will trick you into believing they’ve turned a corner by being kinder (occasionally) but soon they’re back to their default setting – and you’re bearing the brunt of it – again!

And if you’ve suffered any sort of physical, emotional, mental, or domestic abuse, report it. Get in touch with Victim Support in the UK. Or if you’re in the US the National Domestic Violence Hotline or Narcissist Abuse Support.

Tip #3 – Start reprogramming your mind today

Whilst you wait for support from a counsellor you can take steps right now to help with your own recovery…

This Hypnosis Download will start reprogramming your mind, helping you gain back some control in your life so that you’re better equipped to deal with other people’s narcissistic behaviour. Not only that but your damaged self-esteem will start healing as well.

How to Deal With Narcissists

Tip #4 – Start focusing on your own needs

You could study narcissism until the cows come home, but it might not change anything in the relationship. Instead, focus on how to get your life back on track…

Find ways to meet your own emotional needs and learn more ways to survive narcissistic abuse in some of the best books on the subject…

Tip #5 – If necessary, get the hell out of the relationship

Sometimes changing your own psychology does the trick; through books, therapy, victim support etc. you learn how to deal with the ‘games’ that narcissists play.

But for many people there is no alternative than to walk away from the relationship. Not easy of course, especially if you’ve been together some time, have a mortgage, and if there are children involved.

But it might be your only option if you want to save your sanity.

An update on Evelyn and Michael…

So what’s happened to Evelyn and Michael?

I’m pleased to say that Evelyn now enjoys a much healthier relationship with her mother and that her own symptoms have been consigned to history. She is no longer depressed or living in ‘Limbo Land’ but has mastered her own psychology and lives life in the present.

She has found a new home where she feels a real sense of belonging. And she’s strengthened her friendships whilst continuing her artistic pursuits. Life has become rich and meaningful. She also managed to quit smoking after 50 years!

After emerging from his ‘dark night of the soul’ Michael is no longer depressed or ‘under the spell’ of his narcissistic ex.

He has been inspired by his recovery and is currently training to be a counsellor with a powerful motivation to help other men who have suffered from domestic abuse. He’s now in a new, healthy, loving relationship. And his self-esteem has naturally improved.

It’s always nice to hear about happy endings. If you’re suffering from being with a narcissist and would like to make similar changes carry out those 5 tips above and start to regain some control in your life.

Need professional help? Book a Free Discovery Session with me now

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Notes:

Definitions of a narcissist:

(1) https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/narcissist

(2) https://www.dictionary.com/browse/narcissist

(3) https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/narcissism

(4) What psychoanalisis says about narcissism https://www.envisionyourevolution.com/personality-disorders/psychoanalytic-perspectives-on-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd/34421/#:~:text=Psychoanalytic%20theorists%20agree%20that%20grandiosity,to%20mask%20their%20underlying%20vulnerabilities

(5) How Social Media is fuelling narcissism https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/social-media-narcissism/#:~:text=Social%20media%2C%20particularly%20Facebook%20and,higher%20levels%20of%20grandiose%20narcissism

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